Are you in "love"...

...with Tara.

"Tara Ann Moe" that is. The girl who lives in California.

Highland, California you see. The girl who shows you so much affection on AIM and yahoo messenger and all.

The girl who is "perfectvision."



My name is Drew Hicks. I live in Ohio and I am an indy pro wrestler. I wrestle as Blackwater. How do I know Tara? She was my girlfriend for the past 4 years. From September of 2000 to midway 2004. I really don't know where or when it ended. And to be honest, I don't truly know if it every truly started. All I know is Tara contacted me in 2000 and our relationship blossomed into a full grown relationship for nearly 4 years plus. Tara contacted me one night in 2000. We hit it off from there. Throughout that time we had emailed messenged each other probably more than 1,000 times and exchanged an equal amount of love letters, cards and anything else you can think of. I spent surely over a thousand dollars on gifts for Tara and all. Tara would tell me that the distance between us ( Her living in California and myself Ohio-nearly 3,000miles ) would not get into the way of our love, our relationship. I was really suprised how fast I got to know Tara and how easy it was to fall for her. When I got onto the internet, I did not get online for a relationship. I got on for all things related pro wrestling, booking for shows and to meet other wrestlers and promoters and well. Tara was the first female I had really talked to on messenger on a personal level. I can be honest about everything and tell you how she would "cybersex" me, stuff which I had never done before and words I had never seen a female say to a guy such as myself. We even talked about meeting as soon a possible and later, other things such as getting married and what names we were to give to OUR kids. Crazy stuff, I know... Also, over those years she had sent me HUNDREDS of photos of herself (some of them NUDE!) and told me that many of those pics she had taken just for me. I think in all I have about 500 different photos of Tara. Absolutely Amazing....

I was so convinced that she was "the one" and that she loved me that I sent her a 400 plus dollar engagement ruby hearts ring as well as my Grandma's ring which was given to my Mother and then to me. She never shown me any hesitation upon receiving both rings and her excitement confirmed to me her love for me and that we truly were meant to be. Naturally, being her boyfriend and all, I sent Roses to her many many times including Xmas and every Valentines day. A electronic talking bear that says "I love you this much" and lots of wrestling related stuff as well. I did so many things for Tara that I can't remember every single thing. But I did all of this from the bottom of my heart and to show her my faith for her love and that I was not Bullshitting her. We had plans to be together and she wanted to get married by the time I turned 30 years old. This was her idea-(I have all the old aim's and emails proving this if one wants to read them-yes, I kept those) I was truly in love with her....

Finally in July of 2003 I had saved enough money to fly to Tara. She seemed nervous but was quite excited and happy that I would be coming out. And I had the greatest time. I did the nearly 3,000 mile flight and my stay lasted about 6 days. We did a ton of stuff including shopping and visiting Big Bear Lake and Universal Studios and even a few trips to her local Walmart. Her older sister "Trudi" took a few days off from her work to drive us all the sites. And Tara's lil nephew "Shelby" came along too. He was the coolest lil guy. I had a great time with him and felt like a older brother to the lil dude as well. We played video games together a lot and all.

The most memorable moment from visiting Tara was our car ride back from Universal Studios. It had gotten dark and Trudi, who was driving was traveling on what's known as "the 10" in California. One of the biggest super freeways in CA. I was sitting in the front passenger side. Tara was behind me. Tara reached around and grabbed my right hand, which at first had startled me, and then moved to rub my right hand softly and gently for what was probably 20 minutes. Thinking back on this, this was the moment I had really thought that Tara was truly into me. It seemed romantic for Tara to do that.

We had a great time around the 4th and really enjoyed a show of fireworks and all. We spent almost 2 hours sitting on the front porch swing at Tara's house (You can see the photo of us sitting on her front porch swing in the entry below, many pics and all) . We made out for quite a while and even got a lil wild with ourselves a bit. I looked into her eyes and told he how proud I was that "she was working so hard out here with keeping Shelby up to speed and taking care of her mother as well." When I told Tara this it made her cry quite a bit. She told me thank you and that I was so kind to say that to her. We exchanged "I love you's" between each other. I had rented a hotel room and was staying there since I thought it was a bit much to intrude on Tara's family and all. After I got home in Ohio, Tara and I kept in touch almost everyday about my trip out there and how excited she would be when I returned out there again. I had planned on returning again in 2004. It was hard to get time off because of my work and also because I was wrestling on weekends a lot. Even so Tara told me it was one of the greatest times she had ever had with someone in her life. I treated her like a queen and was kind and very gentle to her. I wanted to show her that I was a gentleman. I treated Tara with the utmost respect from the first day I met her right up until the day I found out the truth about her. I was most surely a gentlemen's gentlemen to Tara. And no I did not have Sex with her. Did I want to? Sure... But I wanted our relationship to really MEAN something and I was willing to wait for that for as long as I could. Even marriage if that was to be the case.

At Xmas of that year Tara sent me a scrapbook of my trip out there. It was very beautiful and well put together. The pictures are great and after looking at it one would easily think that Tara was truly in love with me.

Around april of 2004 I had found out that I had time open again around July and wanted to visit Tara again. I had almost 6,000 dollars saved up and was ready to move out and live with her. But as for visiting her again at that time, I was sure it would be a good time once again. I talked to Tara on messenger about visiting her again and to my surprise she did not want me to come out there. She gave me the excuse that her mom was too sick for visitors to be coming to the house. I was saddened but said ok. I figured if the time was not right I could come out later. A few nights later I noticed that someone was posting weird comments in her live journal. Tara told me to ignore them as they were from some weirdo who was stalking her.

The very next morning I got an email from a guy named "Henri." His live journal name is southingtouches and his email is funnybuzzed@hotmail.com. The email stated "To see what Tara can do click here" and had a link that you could click on with the word here. Here below is the url that this email connected too. I will give you, ,the reader a WARNING that these live journal pages are SHOCKING and if you know Tara or think you know Tara well, some of this will be a surprise to you...as it was to me.

http://southingtouches.livejournal.com/39847.html
and
http://southingtouches.livejournal.com/45672.html

From here is where I met Henri. He was someone else who also was "in love" with Tara and thought Tara was "in love" with him and had gone through all the same things I had went though with Tara, marriage, talk of kids and naming the kids, a future together, etc. Even a moment where Tara claimed she was RAPED by a guy (the full transcript of the AIM convo can be read in the link above). Henri and I actually went though the same rape conversation with Tara. By looking at our saved emails and pictures and all (when you send a picture or photo to someone over your computer to theirs, the receiving computer will "Date stamp" when one receives the pictures) it was easy to determine that Tara was sending these pics and anything else to us at nearly THE EXACT SAME TIME! This meant that Henri and I (and many other we would both soon learn) were online and talking to Tara at the same time every night for many years. This made me HEARTBROKEN as I was starting to realize that what was going on... was just a game. A sick game that Tara was playing. Tara had been playing Henri and I for years feeding us the same pics and everything. It really hit the fan as I think Tara never thought her games would ever come back to her. Of course the BIGGEST thing that hurt me was Tara had had sex with Henri right before AND after MANY MANY times since my visit to her out there. And then to know she was having sex with a african american guy named Keith as well which she also kept a secret from both of us. (This was also the guy who "supposedly" raped her so many years ago.) Very sad. I found out that Henri and Tara had been fighting because Henri had found out about Tara's fling with Keith, but he had no idea who I was, nor about the many other guys who Tara had been playing present and in the past.

Thinkin back about my trip out there now, I remember going into Tara's bedroom (she was showing me her room and posters and all-stuff that I had only seen in pics that she had sent me online or through photos on her sites) and seeing pictures that I had sent her of myself EVERYWHERE! On a night stand there was a picture of me. On a dresser there were two pics of me, one alone and one with a few friends of mine. And of course an autographed photo of myself in full wrestling gear on her bedroom wall. After I met Henri I asked him about seeing photos of myself or any other guys in her bedroom-he had told me of being in her bedroom before and after I was out there and NEVER seeing any photos of me or any guy in her bedroom anywhere. Henri said that Tara kept a picture of him near her nightstand by her bed which was nowhere to be seen when I was out there. That told me that Tara only pulled out these photos because I was visiting at that time and then put them away in her bedroom closet after I left. There was nothing genuine about Tara having those pics out just for me when I was there. All that really hurts deep inside when I think about it.

Within a week I would go on to get to know about a DOZEN other guys who had been or were currently being played at the same time as I and Henri were. I was able to view many many different AIM chats that Tara had with almost all of these guys. I don't know if Tara ever realized it but many of us kept our most precious chats with Tara to view later, and why not since when you are in love with the person you feel your heart is with you want to keep those precious moments. Through all of this I Met Eric Extreme. And a guy named Tom. And a guy named John who was supposedly was one of her first "Loves"? Got an email from the guy Keith who also was banging her at the time. I met a guy name Mike and another love interest of Tara's named Jason. And then I guy named Adrian. And then another guy, another wrestling name was Nic Hardy. I met a guy named Trieu who still is in love with her. And a guy named Bobby who was a US Marine and was deeply in love with Tara. I saw the chats he had with her and they were VERY HARDCORE! ..I got to be friends for a short while with "Arthur" whom he too was crushed by all that was Tara. He had no idea that Tara's reach was so great and that so many guys had been hurt. Anyone who is reading this, I can be contacted and present you with a list of all real names/AIM names/and email addresses of everyone and anyone from the above list and others if you wish to contact and talk to them about Tara and the situations that I have discussed in this entry. You may also contact Tara's older SISTER that I talked about above, Trudi. Her AIM is "Trudi Moe" You may also contact Trudi by email as her email address is: t.moe-pring1977@prodigy.net I have contacted Trudi to tell her that she may receive emails so feel free to email her if you have any questions reguarding this post or what I have said in general.

After meeting Henri online and talking to him for a few hours and so, I made a pretty big decision. I decided I would fly out again to California and meet Henri and his family personally. I also would confront Tara face to face to see why she did all this to me and all the others (since at that time she would not give me a straight answer). Of course I thought it would be smarter not to tell her I was coming so she wouldn't have any time to plan on not being home or answering the door. I also wanted stuff back, such as the rings, especially my mom's ring that had been passed on to me and other stuff as well among other precious things. I honestly did not believe that Tara would have given me any of that stuff back though the mail if I had asked. I did not trust her at all after all that I had just learned. When I arrived, my flight was a bit late but I went straight to Tara's house and used my cell phone to call her out. I gave her all the stuff back that she had gave me though the 4 years, all the photos, all the love letters, all the poems and cards that she sent to me. Everything I gave back. I think it really shocked her that I was out there again. She told me she could not talk to me because she had a "friend" over (Trieu) and that she would call me later. I then went to my hotel and waited for almost 3 hours. I got no call from her or anything so I called Henri and we chatted some. I went to bed and woke up the next day and left for Henri's house to meet his Mom (who was a sweetheart of a lady) and talk to Henri. For all I had been told Henri turned out to be a nice guy. I never saw any of this anger that I was told that Henri exhibited or how much of a pyscho he supposedly was. He he was great guy, very calm and assertive. We mostly hung out and talked about life and how and why things turned out the way that they had? A day later Tara finally called and had me come to her house. I confronted her and tried to find out why she did all this? Why all the lies and bullshit? I remember her look as clear as day. She had a nasty look on her face and was looking up to the left with both eyes. The best way to describe it was she had a "whatever" look on her face and said very little. I was as open to her as I had ever been to a person. I told her that I loved her so much and was so certain that she was this person. With all the things she had said to me how could she have done all this? ( I want everone to know who is reading this that from the time I first knew Tara, meeting her for the first time and even confronting her on this day, I was ALWAYS kind, respectful and courteous to her. I was always a "gentlemen" to her. I really loved this girl) She said nothing more and handed me a few bags that I had given her with all the stuff in it and left a nasty note in it as well. I looked to my right as I took the bags from her and saw her Father, Jack, who I thought was a really nice guy. He had a mean look on his face as if I had done all this to his precious daughter. I don't think Tara's father knows what she does to people. I really feel sad for this guy whom I thought I had bonded with when I was out there in 2003. I left and chatted with Henri a bit more and then soon went back to OHio. By the time I had gotten home Tara had concocted a new journal entry on her live journal about how a stalker I was and how creepy and all. She tried to discredit me on stupid stuff like saying that I had not stayed at the hotel and was planning an ambush with Henri. The absolute truth was that Henri had nothing to do with it. I just wanted an honest talk with her and she couldn't do it. That's all I wanted was for her to be honest and I got nothing. It's what Henri told me I was would get before I came out. He was right. Before I went out I told a few of my closest friends about going out there and if it was the right thing to do or not? I want to thank my friend Matt and Brian for sticking by me and offering support through it all. Friends like those two are good definition of the word "friends" and they are much appreciated. I also find out about a few other so called friends who turned on me about the whole situation. I learned who my true friend were through all this as well. Friends stick by friends no matter how much trouble they are in or how much they are hurting. Friends don't go behind their own friends back and try to twist and distort things. To sum my trip up, I got my mom's ring back and a few other treasures. I Learned a valuable lesson about love and lies. It helped me break Tara's chains on me as well for I saw Tara for what she truly was when I looked at her face and into her eyes, she couldn't have cared any less about me. I don't think the trip went as good as I wanted it too, but it got things accomplished. I will be man enough to say this as well. I did indeed cry on the way back home from the plane ride thinking about all that had just happened. I cried alot. All of what happened will be an event in my life that I will never forget, ever...

To sum everything up I soon found out that Tara has been doing this for years (going as far back as 1997 with a dude named John that I met mid 2005 who contacted me over AIM). She has some sort of fixations with the opposite sex. She enjoys toying with guys heads, sending emails or chatting across messenger talking about how much she loves the person she is speaking too and having no clue how much this stuff hurts guys when they find out that truth. Most of the guys seem to be Indy Pro Wrestlers or guys who are into pro wrestling in general. And I have noticed that looks or background just does not seem to matter either. Black, white, egyptian, Asian, Japanese, skinny, fat, tall short, whatever. I used to talk to Tara on the phone 2 or 3 times a week and to know that she's been doing this on a regular basis before I ever met her sickens me. I learned that she got busted before in 2001 (After I was into her) with 4 or 5 other guys in a chatroom pulling the same shit and was confronted about being in love with just as many guys. One of those guys, a young man from Texas drove ALL THE WAY to Tara to meet her and all. Tara actually told me a story about this guy but said he was "only a friend."

Its all crazy stuff. But Tara is very good with what she does. She rarely changes her "single" status on the sites she uses online and even if she does change it she somehow manages to never say who she truly is in love with in her journal entries or on that said site in general. Guys never trip over themselves and that's how Tara is able to keep everything so quiet and to continue to fool everyone that she is in love with them fully. Tara is that good... As for I, right from the start, whatever site I was on including my Blackwater wrestling site, I ALWAYS had Tara's full name on in the marital status section. I never hid from anyone who I was dating or in a relationship with. EVERYONE that I knew knew that I was in a relationship with a female from Highland, California named Tara Ann Moe. I had her name (Tara's) listed for nearly a full 4 years. I turned down tons of local girls who wanted to date me or just to go out. I would have felt guilty doing something with another girl while being with Tara. I have lost so much with time that I could have used being with friends, dating and even wrestling related stuff. All because I was so dedicated to Tara and being all honest and so true to her. I was stupid. Incredibly stupid. And I have paid for it.

I realize now that Tara manipulated my feelings on many occasions usually concerning her Nephew Shelby (who by the way is truly a great kid!) or how sick her mom was or how much of a bitch her sister Trudi appeared to be or how her drug addicted sister Tamara was messing up the family. I bought into it all. And To think that she's been doing this for this long of time is sick. She's now a 25 year old female. Ever since I had known her she has had the same part time low paying hall monitor job at her local middle school. I realize now that she has no ambition and isn't really living a good life. She does this part time job and then comes home to the computer. The internet rules her life. Being on messenger and the who knows how many guys are on her list?!- rules her life. Myspace.com or the Dilly or picrave or facethejury (ftj) rules her life. Tara has no drive and to be honest she needs desperately to seek professional help to figure out what her problem is and why that she continues to do what she does to guys? She also has some sort of problem with wanting "Sympathy" with what's going on in her current situation, ie Shelby, her sister who does drugs, her father, the new baby that her sister dropped off at the house and ignores to some degree...She also craves "attention" as well. I don't know how many guys have told me how upset she got at them at one point or another about talking to her or contacting her whenever they got online and loaded up AIM.

One of the last things that Tara said to me on messenger was that "she was so sorry for messing with all those guys heads"

The following is from Tara's own Journal- live journal entry url link:

http://perfectvision.livejournal.com/127892.html?thread=310676

This was posted by Eric Extreme and pretty much sums up who Tara is, what she is about and what she does to guys...

ericextreme
2005-01-27 04:26 am UTC (link)
Someone directed me to this post and I have to say people keep hashing stuff because you keep doing the same thing over and over. You hurt people constantly and you don't seem to care. You get busted for playing a handful of people... you then find a new group of people and do the same thing. I thought after the incident with Me, Nic, Mike, Mike, and the other dude that you would of grown up and learned your lesson. But, it keeps happening. I got over it so long ago. I chalked it up to another internet psycho with no regard for others except herself. I have come across many like you. I am sick myself of people referring me to others because of what you did to me and so many others. Time and time again someone ends up contacting me because you played the tired old game with them. That you love them... that you want to be with them... you claim rape from someone else you met off the net... you act totally nice and they fall for you... but eventually someone catches you doing your game and it gets spread around. You try and justify it too. When will it stop Tara? This isn't normal human behavior. You are disturbed and need help. Are you going to spend the rest of your life meeting people on the net and hurting them? One day you are going to do it to the wrong person and they will come looking for you and you will be in all kinds of danger. Is that what you really want? At least once a year I get an email from someone who was referred to be by another person or two that you played games with. I check my email one day and one of your victims decided to send me some nude pics that you were spreading around of yourself. Have you no self respect? Have you no respect for others? I hope one day you get out of denial and realize that you have a problem and seek help for it. How many more people will you hurt Tara? How many more times are you going to cry rape? How many more times are you going to spread around nudes? How many more people have to suffer because of your complete disregard to feelings of others? How many more people are going to come crying to me because you hurt them and then try and justify it and then move on as if they mean nothing in this world? I got over what you did to me long ago, and yet years later I am still getting shit about you doing it to others. The way you chose to live your life makes Jerry Springer episodes look tame. It is sad that you do this, but what is even worse is that many others do it. Others have tried to do it to me, but I end up catching them before things get too bad. I know what to look for now. It is pathetic that women like you do this and don't give a damn. How you can live your life hurting others I will never know, but I could never do that to even one person... nevermind how many people you have done it to. You want people to stop talking about the past... well stop renacting the same situation over and over again with different groups of guys. Simple and easy problem remedy. I pitty the guys who you fool... I pitty you for not realizing that you need help...

I pitty the human race that in this day and age people take something as wonderful as the internet and turn it into a tool to hurt others just so you feel loved for short periods of time until you get caught... then its onto the next group of guys to give you attention. I thought at one point you would end the cycle. I thought you would eventually change but I can see that will never happen. I don't know how you can look at yourself in the mirror every morning and be proud of the person that looks back at you. I hope you get the help you need for the sole purpose of sparing others from your devious behavior and sparing me from getting any more damn emails from people crying about what you did to them. I know you will either ignore this, respond to it and try and justify what you did, make some egotistical comment about how i took the time to right this and how ego boosting it is for you that someone took 2 minutes to write in your journal, or you will go and delete this so others you are playing dont see this. Frankly I don't care, I don't give a damn about you. I am the type of person that has genuine concern for even people I don't know or even dislike. I can honestly say there are few people I would classify as evil and those people I wouldn't give a damn if they fell off the face of this earth... people who have hurt many others... Sadam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden, Adolf Hitler, and the serial man eater Tara Moe. I hope you quit your games... I am sick of having to hear about it from others. I have improved my life immensely over the past several years and don't need this crap wasting my valuable time. For the sake of the human race get help.***

To see the original entry you can click on the url above...

For the past year and a half my mind has been really messed up. Like most of the guys I have had conversations with I am having problems with feelings and trusting females now in any way. I am still pretty much mentally fucked up. Its hard to explain but the whole issue with Tara is something that I would never want anyone to ever go though with.

If you know Tara and you are "just friends", great. Keep it that way and things will be just fine. But if you are "IN LOVE" with Tara or if Tara is in love with you, forget it. You have already crossed a point that you will not be able to head back from. And once Tara finds out that you know all about her shenanigons, she will drop you like a bad habit and move on. That's what she has done to me and all the others. And when this happens to you, do me a favor. Tell Tara to get some help, and tell Tara to get off the computer and start living. Apply for a grant to go to college, or get a better job. And stop using other people as excuses and start living her life now. Before it becomes too late. I really don't know what Tara's doing now. But I would bet anything that she's calling all the guys again and saying how much she loves so and so, and probably did the talk about what she would name their kids....and so on. Nothing would surprise me with Tara.

Make no mistake about it, I REALLY TRULY was in love with Tara. I believed she was a really good girl who was working hard where she lived and I really believed that she was in love with me. There was no doubt about it. When they say LOVE IS BLIND, it's the truth. You can't see things for what they really are when you are in love. I was fooled and even after seeing all the evidence I did not want to believe it. Even as I type this I don't believe all that has happened. That July night on the porch swing set at Tara's, was it real. Did it really happen? Did Tara really cry real tears when I told her how proud of her I was? The words, "Drew, I love you" so easily flowed from her tongue to my ears and heart. Did she mean any of this. My heart hurts thinking that the answer is "no."

As of now I still feel stupid. LIke an complete idiot. How did I get into this situation? Why did this happen? And why to me? Looking back on things if I could go back I would have just stayed friends with Tara and told her NO I wasn't interested. Some people say they have no regrets but I do regret meeting Tara, I lost so much time in what I wanted to do and be, a pro wrestler. I am out of shape some now, depressed and my feelings are still all fucked up.

And through it all, after all this time, I don't think I ever really got to know THE REAL Tara Moe.
I got to know the FANTASY Tara which never existed. That did not really love me.

My mother passed away in an auto accident in 1997. She was my best friend and I wear her ring on a necklace around my neck. I dedicated everything that I do in wrestling for her. I worked hard for all that I have done so I can say that I owe it to her when I say this: This entry is the complete truth and I can fully and completely swear on my mother's grave that ALL of the above happened. I think my Mom really would have liked Tara very very much. The fantasy Tara that is... :(

I hope no one goes through the stuff that I did. I would never wish this on anyone. Please be careful to anyone and all who had read this. The net is full of fake people and many of them are out to harm you. Its hard to believe that there are people out there like Tara but there are. Watch your back....and stay safe.

Sincerely,

Blackwater (Drew)

if you wish to contact me, my AIM is blackwater44875
my email address is getbehindtheblackmask@yahoo.com
my web site is http://www.blackwater-online.com
myspace: http://www.myspace.com/blackwaterwrestler

***Below is the original journal entry that I did which contains Mine, Tara's and other peoples comments***

The year 2004 was such a weird year for me. I still don't understand what happened and why it
happened the way that it did. Either way its a year that I would rather mostly forget. I was
hoping that 2005 would start out great but so far its sorta gotten off on the wrong foot.

I have kept a smile on my face and moved on. I don't talk to anyone who AIM's me about you and
the AIM chat you sent me took place way before someone that you used to cavort with appeared in
my journal. None of the drama had to be restarted. That aim chat did not have to take place. And
the email did not have to be sent. But it was. People on both sides want to be "online detectives."
None of this has lead to anything positive and to the detectives out there, I hope it was worth it.
Against my best wishes I had to respond to your email. There were way too many twisted things
said in it on both sides that were not truthful. Even the smallest things included in that chat were
being misconstrued. And for the record, to all detectives out there, I was trained by "Kid Collins" and
"Jimmie Lee." I had 6 full months training at the ASWA wrestling training facilitiy before I ever met
"Mr. Insanity." There. Enuff' said.



I will make this as short as possible. I am surprised that you admitted that we actually did "talk
about marriage, kids (and the names of what our kids would be)...a future"... previously you have denied that talk ever happened
between us. To that I say Wow. I am even stunned that you put that you loved me at some
point or time in your journal. I think? I mean its sorta vague cause you don't use my name
and it could be about anybody, so no one's going to know who you are talking about.
Actually I have a hard time remembering you ever using my name in your journal now I think
about it, very very rarely at best. But here's the short of it. Do you remember when I met
you? Yes, it was September 3rd, 2000. You posted in my old 20m site guestbook. It was the
most innocent and nicest guest book entry that I had ever seen. Once I saw a photo of you,
I saw the sweetest lil lady I had ever seen in my life. You had the most beautiful eyes and
the nose that was the cutest I had ever seen as well. I had only one real girlfriend before
and gone out on only 2 dates before I had met you. I was very shy and I never had the guts
before to talk to girls much, especially after my first girlfriend, Michelle broke my heart in
1994. Before the end of the year you told me that you loved me and wanted to be with me
marry me and all. I was the most coolest guy you had ever met you said. I could not believe
it... And although now I know you were already into a "more cooler guy" by march of 2001,
can you remember what I sent you many months later in the year, Around Xmas of 2001 I
should say? Yes, it was a rather expensive (for me that is) diamond ring. It was not the
greatest looking ring but nonetheless I believed it represented the love and the friendship
that had grown for the past year between us. I had even wrote you a small note attached to
it that told you it represented our "past, present and future"(it has many hearts made of
diamonds). I am not even sure if you have the ring still since you never talk about it and in
the chat you would not even talk about it when it was mentioned to you. This is what it
looked like.






In 2004, for your birthday I got you something that I thought would make you incredibly
happy. It was a figurine of the "Morey Mansion." I waited "forever" it seems for that figurine
to come in so I could give it to you. I was so excited to send it to you for your birthday. I
was hoping that you would be excited as much as I was too! I had hoped that by giving that
to you for your birthday, you would realize how much I really cared about you and that I
remembered the things that made you happy, no matter how larger or small they were. I also
hoped that it would show you that I still believed in "your dream." I wanted to be included in
this dream with you. Here is what the figurine looked like. Along side it or below it is a photo
of the actual mansion. It looks a lot like it.






You had wanted me to come out and visit you in early 2003 and I did. It was almost like a
"challenge" because I think (and now I know for sure) that you thought I was full of sh*t and
that there was no way I would really fly towards you. Now I know that to your surprise as
well as your family, I did. I flew more than 2,650 miles to get to your house. I was so excited
to FINALLY get to see you. I was shocked how TALL you were. Still, I had a great time. And
it seemed you did as well. I HONESTLY had a tremendous time with you on that fourth of
July day and our talk on your porch in the swing set was the best time I had ever with a
female (my only regret being not able to slow dance with you to "The Greatest Gift" song I sent you and maybe doing that quick Bud Beer drinking chugging contest we talked about alot). And today it still stands as the best time I have ever had (with or without a female).
When I called you from Atlanta Airport and told you that I "cried" on the way back home, I was not
kidding. I honestly did cry. It was hard leaving you because you really were more than I ever
imagined you would be. I was really taken. This kiss you gave me on my cheek while I was
dressed up for you in my wrestling outfit is still my favorite photo from being out there. Here
it is below. Your kiss and the look as you are placing it on my left cheek is still priceless. I
really enjoyed that moment as well.




Now I know things were not what they seemed. And its makes me truly sad. You say you
have taken responsibility for what's happened and I truly do want to believe you. You have
apologized to me for what has happened and I have listened. I want to believe you have
remorse but because I cannot see you in person, I cannot tell how sincere you really are. I
tried to let time pass by and move on. I wrote a letter to you. I had hoped that you would
answer and explain what truly was "real" and what did happen. I also wanted you to
understand that the emotions that I had for you were real and powerful. And I was hoping
that you would see that our friendship was truly valuable and that there was a true
connection between you and I, especially after showing you the pictures I had of Lillian
Garcia (whom her and her web site were the main figure between you and I meeting, her
guest book that is...) from New York which took place a day before I visited you last year in
July. You have since told me that answering or talking about any of this is a waste of your time.


Your Dear Mother, Judith, passed away right before this past Xmas and I was truly saddened.
It did hurt me some because as you know My mom, Linda, was killed at Xmas of 1997. My
mother was my best friend and I keep her spirit on a necklace around my neck as you
already know. My Mom's passing was real. It's not a sob story. It really happened. My
Mother was my best friend and I know how much you cared about your mother. I also enjoyed talking to your mom as I have told you before she made me laugh tremendously talking about all the ethnic people that live in California. Its weird to think now how at the start of 2004 you had took a photo of my Mom which was aged a lot and partially torn and photo shopped it up or so and made it look brand new. You also showed me a great photo of you mom in it which she looked very beautiful. Here below is that picture of your mom and the before and after photos of my Mom which you fixed up. I really thought what you did to that photo was so special. Its one of the few things that
I think the most of when I think of you.









When I was told that your mom had passed on near Xmas, I really wanted to contact you
and say something nice. I "swallowed my pride" and sent you an email that was dear from
my heart. I honestly felt sadness for you and I wanted you to know that you were on my
mind and that I wanted to send to you and your whole family out there my sincere
condolences. .......(I also sent out some video games that I got a nice deal on for Shelby to play to maybe be a distraction for him with all that was happening at Xmas)......and I also wanted you to know that I still value your friendship and that I was willing to take the chance to tell you that. It was time for me to move on and I know that inside "my soul" it just does no good for me to continue to be angry anymore. Yes, I am still heartbroken but there's nothing I can do about that anymore. When I emailed you, I wanted you to know that I truly cared for you. And I wanted you to know that I truly cared for you the entire 3 plus years that I was "technically" a boyfriend to you. I treated you very well I
believe. I was always a gentleman to you, before I came out, during and after I left Ca. as
well. In fact, I believe that I could not have treated you any better. I was always thoughtful
and remindful of you at holidays, birthdays, roses for every Valentines day (And also a heart Necklace and a bear that says "I love you thissssssssss much" this past Vday) and sometimes just out of the blue showing you
that it did not have to be a special day for me to show you that I cared. Everyday I wanted
to show you that I cared for you. And you even gave me the best gift I have ever received
in my entire life for Xmas 2003, which was that incredible scrapbook of my time out there
with you that 4th of July. It was so well made. Anyway, for a full four years I was totally dedicated
to you. I did not talk to any other female romantically or what at all. I never went on any
dates or anything. If that freaks you out, I don't know what to tell you?. But to me its called
dedication. And in today's world of guys and girls cheating on each other constantly and
married couples committing adultery left and right, I was proud how dedicated I was to you.
It really meant something to me. I have always supported you and I valued your friendship
so greatly. I feel a great loss not being able to chat with you. This is what I want you to
know. I have forgiven you. I am not asking nor do I need any more apologies from you. I
have lent out an "vine" to try and talk to you again. To be cordial with you again. The rest is
up to you. I hope someday you realize how valuable my friendship was to you.
Good luck in your future endeavors.

"Most people love you for who you pretend to be...To keep their love, you keep pretending--performing. You get to love your pretense...It's true, we're locked in an image, an act. And, the sad thing is, people get so used to their image--they grow attached to their masks. They love their chains. They forget all about who they really are. And, if you try to remind them, they hate you for it. They feel like you're trying to steal their most precious possession."

- James Douglas Morrison